I have a friend who gains a new dream every month. He has plenty of inspiration on how he wants his life to be.
I happen to dream almost everyday, but these are actual state of unreality that occur in my sleep.
I find it hard to actually keep a dream (read: aspiration) but effortlessly produce over-realistic hallucination.
Does this mean I simply lack the desire that others keep to fuel their actions?
Does this mean I'm stuck with reorganizing my thoughts over past events?
That instead of imagining how life could be in my favor, I think of how life should not be hard.
And instead of imagining how easy things could be, I think of how things should not be inconvenient.
I learn from a reverse inference of things I should avoid compared to what I'm trying to seek.
Which requires an initial exposure to variations and a framework to streamline the information.
The variance often comes with a cost, while the framework needs to be acquired.
So I should increase the sample, decrease the expenditure, and try different models.
This is my limitation and strength: I don't dream. I form conjectures.
Incapable of dreaming, I need to experience more to dream within.
]]>Pains are subjective.
Anybody who have ever gotten a brace before would have gotten a blister too somewhere within their process of adjusting their teeth.
It could be from the new bite, or usually from the wires and metals that are in your mouth.
With the inner side of your month getting in contact with them consistently, it scratches and stabs the tender organ consistently.
And this is not even counting the times when the dentist wrongly snapped their tool with their small scalpel, causing bleeding inside.
What's interesting is how, after undergoing all that struggles, a new bristle after it won't exactly trigger a huge reaction.
Blisters used to be really scary for me as a kid.
Because it affects any parts of your activity.
It hurts when you drink water. It hurts when you eat anything.
It hurts when you talk. It hurts when you are lying down to sleep.
But blisters after the entire process of brace become much less scarier.
And at a certain point, given enough prompt by people around you, it becomes a symbol of twisted pride instead.
Where your pain become a weird identity you tell other people.
Or even, as a device to undermine others' experience about their own blisters.
Especially those that didn't have braces.
"You won't know how much it hurt for me back then".
It completely steal the stage from the person who's currently hurting.
To highlight your own pain. And to push your story forward.
And these pains let you bond with people who have similarly went through the same thing.
Or even masquerade as one with the same description that matches yours.
It's a story of shared struggle, even if you're not entirely sure how their experience went.
]]>I think I was quite underdeveloped in terms of having hobbies that I can pursue given my heavy emphasis on utilities before.
Where activities were valued by the priority of their needs vs their fulfillment.
This strict prioritization prevented a lot of simple enjoyment that comes from activities that might not yield immediately beneficial results.
It's quite late, but maybe it's quite a good goal to start the acquisition of new hobbies from now on.
]]>"I was sad" - it took me so long to be able to admit these words, to hear them coming from myself.
I had a counseling session in the past and this was one of the simple realization that I had at the time. The words carried so much weight that many things finally start to fall in place. I hated to be called anything but happy, to not be "okay" or to feel that something is wrong with me. To find that something is indeed broken and I was displaying them outwardly shamelessly.
And all this while I unconsciously found myself digging deeper into escapism over time, refusing to acknowledge that I was unwell. I drowned myself in fictional works where I felt validated when I discover characters who's suffering from similar or worse situation. I couldn't bring myself to cry, so I let these imaginary entities cry for me, laugh for me, and find companionship for me.
In this increasingly divisive and ruthless world, I wanted others to understand my inner feelings and the pain I accumulate. And since I couldn't find the compassion I sought, I turned the other way. I couldn't accept that reality is this bleak and unforgiving with people so unwilling to listen and share their worries in fear of judgment. The pages of a book, the screen of the TV, the emotionally somber songs were all a safe haven where all this won't have to happen. They're places where I get to wallow about my thoughts unrestrained. They brought me to the highest peaks and lowest trenches at my own control, restricted only by works I could find and consume.
What finally forced me to confront this was when I put a complete stop into escapism as part of my attempt to understand myself better. Instead of hoping for these imaginary one-way para-social activities with no reciprocity or solution, I started talking to therapists and counselors who helped me to process my thoughts. What prevented me from confronting this before was the fear that at the end, there's only an unbearable loneliness that awaits me. It wasn't until I had enough support network that I gathered the courage to do so.
As an end note, it's both enlightening and terrifying that as a social creature, we're able to dream up our connection to other people and completely substitute them with the strength of our imagination alone.
]]>I had a lot of realization lately from processing my experience with certain situations, but it's safe to say that I will optimize for these two things moving onward:
There was a time when I have to go to bed before 10PM to wake up for school at 6AM. Saturday nights were exciting because there's no school the next day, I got to sleep late. Those times were often spent watching whatever movies or shows on TV together with my family.
But I still tried to sleep on time to catch the cartoons airing the next morning. There was no replay or purchasable CDs of those shows back then. Missing a single episode means I'd have to wait for another week for it, so Sunday became the most important day of my elementary school life.
I have seriously considered obtaining advanced degrees 3 times in my life.
They were born out of the desire to identify, to conform, and to exploit.
They're hardly noble intentions. Education is theoretically meant to assist one in achieving something, usually knowledge or qualification. But what I was trying to leverage was not the mastery nor the training. It was the institutional branding and its ability to create a narrative around myself. It was an attempt to bring myself closer to this ideal figure of man inside my mind. A possible migration then, is an added bonus together with the higher pay. The extended optional practical training (OPT) duration remains the most viable method for foreign nationals to legally work in the US while bidding their time for H1B employment visa or a green card.
And perhaps even these intentions are duly acceptable after all to survive financially and socially. A person seeking to improve their welfare through upskill-ing is a cause to celebrate. Economically it helps to supply highly proficient labors. Individually it gives a sense of accomplishment and a promise for a better future for one's family. Despite all this, what I found to be problematic is how I've kept lying to myself by subconsciously accepting the notion that learning is only possible through a formal admission to exclusive programs. Perhaps it's an even bigger lie. I did not want to learn. I only wanted to acquire what's needed for me. What I was seeking was permission to call myself a professional or somebody with an authority.
I once told a friend how I did not believe in any edtech startups. They all eventually converge into a body that issues certifications and offshoot licenses in an attempt to be profitable. An online platform that generously charge $5 and offer unlimited courses is often seen bleeding while an institution that certifies you for $500 is oppositely thriving despite its questionable background. The latter's value proposition is a brand new entry at LinkedIn and the ability to give yourself dubious titles like Scrum Master and Financial Adviser through one-time webinars. They're convenient, and the only reason I can imagine they're so successful is because it fulfills a purpose. It satisfies a need.
In retrospect, that's what a traditional institution have also became: a gatekeeper of qualifications. But sometime this is by design. You don't want surgeons who call themselves one after a single workshop of cutting and stitching a wound. You don't want self-branded architects who try to build actual houses because they have built LEGO models on weekends.
The above examples mirror what I was trying to achieve when I considered getting my master's. It's a sobering realization: I was a pot calling the kettle black. I, too, wanted a quick and relatively painless way to justify myself in a field where performance is relative and outcomes are unbelievably hard to track. It's a shortcut, a mere hurdle to jump with unbelievable rewards at times. Simply breaking into the right circle earns you recognition and opens many doors. People pay attention to you now. People actually pay you better too. And despite all this cheat-like benefits you're still playing by the rules officially. I mean look, you got some Ivy League certs to show! You're indisputable!
There's an argument to be made where fields like policies, HCI and venture building are still areas I am genuinely interested in, but they hold surprisingly little weight compared to the reasons stated above. I don't go out of my way to put hours into practice to learn about them. I enjoy them to a certain degree, then I realized with minimal efforts I could milk them by posing as an expert. The only thing stopping me each time is a sliver of last-minute rationality and participating circumstances. This way, the important process in democratization of learning is then meaningless to me as long as I still hold such primitive mindset. That formal qualification are merely tools wielded for my narrow-minded purpose. I'm writing all this to create a reminder for myself: the 4th time I attempt to do all this shit again I should put learning first and benefits second.
There exists a hole inside all of us.
It hungers for offerings. It seeks to be appeased.
And yet the more it's filled, the wider it ever gets.
It's an all consuming, Sisyphean abstract.
We call this pit by many names of the old.
Some bemoan it as greed. Others worship it as hope.
They're but false labels by human's fabrication;
Concepts beyond the cavity’s comprehension.
Its domestic oddity springs exclusively from within.It does not question why it exists.
It does not ponder why it grows.
It does not doubt why it persists.
Therefore all sins lie on man to decode its purpose.
A godless slave, charged with a flawed acumen.
To futile banishment or unforgiving coexistence it paves the way.
I always dread the time when my lease is ending, because I have to confront the decision to either stay/move to a new place. In Jakarta, leasing an apartment typically involves a 12-month contract to be paid upfront, which makes it a huge financial and geographical commitment since location affects how we live significantly. This is esp harder during the pandemic where we have to spend most of our time indoor and quality of living becomes an additional aspect to evaluate.
So in H2 2021 I decided to begin the search early. I spent months looking for alternatives to my current place that also fit my budget. The premise was simple: I needed more space for a kitchen. For the past 2 years I was living at a 30+ sqm studio with 0 layout. This makes cooking very challenging due to how the smell would stick everywhere. So I thought a 45+ sqm 1BR with separate kitchen area would be perfect for an upgrade.
But despite the extensive search I ended back at square one. This is because any places that fit the above criteria are way beyond my budget by 100%+. It's too high of a price tag for a single kitchen (lol). On the other hand, I realized that most units I reviewed do not have a decent balcony at all. They're typically nonexistent or mostly an afterthought, and they face either north/south to ensure consistent lighting throughout the day. The scenery is practically unchanging.
In contrast to this, my current balcony is way too spacious for its own good. It faces west overlooking the city skyline with a great view of the sunset everyday. It also has glass walls that bring in excessive amount of light in the afternoon that makes the room too warm at times. All this makes living in this place hardly boring.
This comparison made me realize how my balcony has helped to prevent that claustrophobic feeling of staying in for extended duration without feeling too isolated. It's a hidden criteria I didn't consider and it changed how I continued my search. Further site visits also made me realize how floor levels mattered more than I thought, e.g. staying closer to the ground allows one to see the plantations around the building and their slow growth throughout the season.
All these findings helped to make my decision to renew my lease as long as the pandemic lasts.
]]>The world seem to be filled with people who fall under either one of these characteristics:
It has appeared to me that attention works quite similarly to heat in the way that (1) it leaks and (2) if it's too concentrated it became a self-imploding equivalent of a greenhouse gas.
Maintaining our attention without proper mental insulation cause the energy bills to be very expensive while not airing out those attention to something else when we were too absorbed also poses danger.
One of the most interesting thing that have happened to me since I got covid is how fast my perspective change, or have to change.
This is because for the past 2 years I felt surrounded by the invisible virus, then suddenly I am the virus' host unwillingly.
It also occurs to me why cells are equipped with self-destruct capability given the lack of ability to self isolate or contain itself.
And as part of the potential attack vector, threats mattered slightly less now given I was one and the same.
]]>I've been playing this game called genshin impact since its launch and recently they have version update 2.0
Together with this, I was also playing another tower defense puzzle game called Arknights.
Both games have a story on how I got to them, but what's rather interesting is that in late July 2021, 1-2 weeks ago from now there was actually some huge updates dropping for both games.
Genshin finally releases its 2.0 version, meaning that it unlocked a new part of the map.
For those who are familiar with how games like Monster Hunter World or FFXIV in releasing new chapters like Iceborne or Shadowbringers, this is kinda like it
The difference is that Genshin is a gacha game. Meaning that a core part of the game revolves around mystery loot boxes where players can gamble on the rarity of items they will receive.
This sets it apart from Iceborne and Shadowbringers that have to be bought, per June 2021 there are reportedly X number of players in MHW and FFXIV, if all these players convert to the latest game version, it means that they're grossing for at least XY amount in total.
But Genshin, being a free to play game on phones is far more accessible than the other two. FFXIV is only playable via Windows, MHW through PC and PS. While Genshin has footprint on mobiles, PC and PS. All of them together.
In the whole year it has been released, it has earned over $1B in sales. This is astounding because it eclipses the other games by a factor of Z.
Arknights itself has ABC amount of sales so far, and if you were to ever check how this game compares to other, they're so far apart because they're fundamentally a different game. And yet through this alone they have been able to earn even more.
And one can argue that Square Enix or MHW developers come from studio with expensive staff that are working on multiple AAA projects at once. While Hypergryph is a relatively new studio.
All these come from the gacha or loot boxes element devised by studios and players' tendency to like playing it too.
I'm not an exception.
I have been playing for a long time. Since 2014 in fact and that my total purchase in gacha has probably went up for more than $100. It was not much, at all, compared to people who place tens of thousands of bucks here.
But it's still something, and the part of it that makes you really think about it is when you look back on the previous years you've played it and all that collection just feel going down the drain.
But this is another time.
New map, new heroes, new item, new gameplay.
It's hard to ignore this when the game itself has really good quality and incites you to play.
And given how accessible it is you can always opt to play on any devices that you currently have with you.
I started genshin on my phone, and eventually I got myself a secondhand iPad and used that instead sometime. Then finally I built (or rebuild) a PC and used that instead given the way better graphics and control.
But this time of the year, I'm conflicted on the characters and started getting into this min maxing optimizing mindset where I consider what sort of improvement or things I need to do for my characters and improve my playing.
They all come down to me having to use the stamina to level up few things, and gacha to get new characters
It is payday today and I did something different while managing my financials: I paid my credit card debt in full.
I got my first card in 2017 from BCA when I started my job in Indonesia. A coworker mentioned that he has about 10 cards from multiple banks to try out their package (and earn signing bonuses) which encouraged me to try applying for one. It was not something I fully comprehend at the time. As far as I know, credit card was:
Credit was a concept that was foreign to me, which is hilarious because I went back to the country to work at an online P2P lending business. Fast forward 4 years later and I've finally understood the extent of how proving oneself to be capable in managing credit is a major benchmark of how an individual is rated financially via their national credit score.
It also taught me the limitation in how one's credit limit is highly restricted for good reason to secure the risks lenders are exposed to. Given this backdrop, plenty of our customers at the time repaid their working capital loan earlier to gain the ability to borrow at a much higher ceiling. Apart from this benefit, with increased trust and visible cashflow records one's limit might be reviewed to also include lower interest rate.
]]>Just watched hollow knight speed run for 33 mins by fireb0rn and it’s just amazing
The precision, speed and persistence of it is unmatched that it’s just insane.
]]>A few weeks ago I rode my bike from South Jakarta to West Tangerang. It was a 36km winding route that avoids large traffic and highways that ended up brought me to BSD area around 7pm at night. I never rode that long with a bike so it was really painful, but achieving it brought a great sense of accomplishment. It served as a reminder that we all have that potential of accomplishing these foolish yet bold goals even with seemingly improper preparation. It wasn’t the best bike. I wasn’t at my best condition. It was definitely not the most efficient route.
But I did it anyway. It ended up being a memorable, unplanned adventure.
I need to treasure and seek experience like these more.
]]>What does it take to bring an idea to reality?
The bottom line is it requires building to some degree, thus execution
How idea manifest to concrete form, maybe the reason why I like design back then
Will your ideas to live, those that you can see
Maybe now I'm a lot more capable to will the abstract to come out
There's a difference between the level of imagination I was capable of before and now
But the capability to dream more does not go hand in hand with what's able to be produced by a single person anymore
Many times it requires more people, a team even.
The idea person who can execute
Was natural before, but increasingly this role
No longer feels like creator, or perhaps maybe not even one in the first place?
Roles I've undertaken as I'm aware of them
But I'm missing the creator roles and others that might have been more prominent back in the past.
Will update the post with more thoughts.
]]>It probably resembles how information get passed to each other in earlier days.
And even as of right now.
The more peers and people who make themselves available to transfer information.
The faster the transfer speed goes.
Unless you can automate the part and make a central repo where the information is always readily available even without people.
Then discord or other immediate chat platform serve as the more transient just-in-time knowledge exchange.
This probably raise the question how many percent of the world are chronologer? As in, people who expend efforts to record things. Harder things especially. Because when you think about it, an experimentation means nothing if they’re not diligently recorded down or published so that other people can access them.
And in that way, any action of writing carries as much weight as writing research paper. Good note taking is that important.
Probably transferable to PRDs too.
]]>I’ve been reading guidebooks for games as far as I remember it. They are normally featured in the sections of a game magazine or a standalone book with in-depth guides. This later translates to my fascination with gamefaqs and wikia sites of games or shows I’m following, as they are packed with information contributed by people who are very passionate about them too, e.g.
But this sort of fascination are coupled with the dependency of relying too much on it. In the time when the guide is not available or it's protected behind privatized groups (like some discord channels), it was very easy to feel helpless or confused instead. So when I picked up ragnarok tactics recently, I tried playing it purely without a guide. It was a constant trial and error process but it definitely restored the fun.
]]>A transcript from recent Kurzgesagt's video:
Climate change is a global problem and no country alone can fix it.
Working out who’s responsible is not as simple as it seems and in a way it’s a daft question. But one that has plagued international politics for decades. In the end, it’s pretty simple. Everybody need to do the best they can and right now, we’re all not doing that.
But we can begin today.
Traffic lights are one of the most universal signs on earth. And yet accidents still happen daily from people crossing them illegally (both pedestrian and motorists). This shows how even the most inclusive solution to meaningful problem have room for errors that are derived from people's behaviors alone. It's a human problem as much as a technical problem.
But this does not mean that the traffic light system has to be reinvented as a whole (the circle). An effective solution (the dot) can only be produced by taking in the local context of where those accidents are actually happening. Solving the dots is the equivalent of finding a needle in the haystack every time for each permutation of the incident, which is a difficult but valuable job. It's the equivalent of the think globally, act locally mindset in activism.
People who were fed up with finding this needle will then attempt to:
Road to progress is equally paved with both arrogance and ignorance.
]]>Nearly a decade ago I was trying to learn how to skate on ice. A rather insane friend told me to "don't think and just do it". It was horrible. But it's proven to be a memory I kept going back to till today every time I was overwhelmed.
I always feared what's on the far end due to my anxiety, which gives room to paranoia and paralysis. I think about the accident instead of focusing how I can steady myself on ice. Similarly, I think about the looming disaster first instead of focusing how I can solve a problem.
This practice of narrowing your scope to only things at hand was always difficult to me, but recently I was able to picture them in form of a conveyor belt with only one thing at a time. It becomes a bit more bearable to think and approach life this way.
]]>I like the dopamine rush from getting featured rare units at gacha games, but digital collectibles aren't meaningful on their own. The experience itself felt novel but they hold almost no substances. They don't make you feel something like Nier Automata that lasts for a good while and is thought provoking.
So each time I picked a new gacha game, I will figure out the mechanic within weeks, play them for months and proceed to forget about them in a year. These games are fleeting. The players are fleeting. And that fleetingness is perhaps also what drew people to try them in the first place. It's low on commitment before players are hooked to come back for more. Progression then follow a repetitive and necessary daily grind which really is just some chore on top of work.
The only meaningful thing that I got from it is perhaps the abject understanding of game theory models that enslaved me for years.
]]>What has changed since 2015?
What do you want to change by 2025?
In the past, my sense of curiosity has led me to chase unending novelty around the world. But looking at it another way, perhaps activities that will stick the most in the long term are those we should keep. Something you don't mind doing a thousand times with little variations.
Like running is inherently a super repetitive exercise by form alone, but who you run with, where you run, and the reason you're running make all the differences. This way you can keep placing your foot forward.
]]>Newton's law of conservation of momentum (P = m * v) could interestingly be applied to how companies are operating:
There is an undeniable strength in number (of people), but it also breed processes and standardization that causes reduced velocity over time. The baseline impact of companies the equivalent to an ocean liner will still be huge, but it'll mostly come from their mass alone at that point.
Some unicorns at Indonesia are pretty much just cruise ships at this point.
]]>These processes (and possibly industry) literally did not exist years ago. It's a completely different challenge.
]]>I approached my life in a very deterministic view and yet lived them the non-deterministic way.
I like it when a plan goes exceedingly well, but I also love novel surprises. This is why watching illustrators or painters draw is always an enjoyable activity to me. They seem to always maintain a vision of the end result in their head and yet are flexible enough to navigate the challenges along the way. Variations are happy accidents. They emerge and are embraced.
In contrast to those artists I'm a coward who stick to the guideline yet improvise a bit too much for my own good.
]]>The year is 2040.
Your kids ask you about the origin of a disaster 20 years ago.
"What happened back then? Where were you?"
"What did you do? Were you all right?"
"Did you get to help anybody?"
It's a scary prospect.
]]>